THE PITFALLS OF "AS IF"

A few years ago, when my children were little, I used to be friends with a very chareidi lady whose kids were around the same age. We spent a lot of time together, discussing many different topics, and she inspired me greatly.

Once, we spoke about the upcoming Shavuos, and she said, "I love Shavuos! My husband's job is to learn all night,  while my job is to make the cheesecake. And I feel deeply content with my role as a woman; baShomayim, our reward is still going to be the same."

At the time, I felt nothing but admiration for her. I knew full well that her words didn't describe a worldview limited by cheesecakes; on the contrary, they showed a deep and heartfelt acceptance of the role Hashem has given her.

Yet as time went by, I discovered that I couldn't fully understand that position. Let's say that one person is always cooking the food, and the other is always eating. So how can the one forced to go hungry all his (or rather her) life be satisfied with the fact that, at some future date, it will be considered as if they have been eating, too?

So recently I was very happy when I found my doubts validated by the words of Rabbenu zal. In Torah 66, he discusses the concept of ones: when a person is genuinely unable to fulfil a mitzvah, it is considered Above as if they have fulfilled it. But, says Rabbeinu zal, it's wrong to be satisfied with this "as if"; a person should really want the mitzvah itself, not just the credit for it! So they should continue longing for this mitzvah and davening to Hashem for the merit of actually doing it. If they keep at it, Hashem will eventually take pity and give them the coveted mitzvah.

So how can the pious chariedi women be satisfied with this "as if" and still be considered pious? Isn't it wrong to just want the credit? 

I don't have the answer for this. All I can say that for Litvish women it is very different than for us Breslovers. I can't imagine being tempted to learn the Talmud. Yet I find the Breslov Torah so totally mine that I know I want and need this Torah itself, not just the reward or credit as if I've studied it.

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