REJOINING THE WORLD

I never felt part of the world and never had any sense of belonging. 

This is probably understandable, considering that I grew up in a Russian working-class neighborhood, with practically no Jews around but with a lot of Anti-Semitism (or maybe just plain xenophobia). This made an indelible impression upon me, and, try as I might, I could never really shake it off. When I was very young, I still tried to fit in, but, after I came to America with my parents at the age of 22, it became too hard. After a few feeble attempts, I totally gave up on being part of the world and sunk into a deep depression.

After a few years, I came back to Russia but couldn't find a place for myself there, either. I had a felling that, if I ever allowed myself to become part of the world, it would somehow destroy me. For this reason, I was mortally afraid of getting a full-time job; I earned some money (not much) by giving private English lessons, but, for the most part, I was supported by my father.

Then, at the age of thirty, I mustered whatever strength and determination I had and really, really tried to put my life back together, I did teshuvah, got married, had three kids, and made aliya with my family to a very warm chareidi neighborhood in Jerusalem (actually, my third son was born when we were already living there).. For a few years when my kids were little, I finally felt that I belonged; after all, there almost nothing to set me apart from the other mothers in the park, watching our children play; or so it seemed  It was a real, long-awaited respite, and I enjoyed every minute.

Then the kids started growing up, and the world receded again. It was excruciatingly painful to realize that  this feeling of belonging had been an illusion, no more than wishful thinking on my part. The kids had been the glue that connected me to the people around me,; without them constantly by my side, I had to go it alone once again.

Somewhere along the way, I came upon the notion that this world is like the Hebrew letter ה. If you fell through the bottom just (like I felt had happened to me), you couldn't return through the same opening, no matter how hard you tried; the only way back was through the little hole above. This resonated with me strongly, and I felt it to be really true, but I had idea how to actually go about this comeback. I desperately wanted to return, but I was still stuck in the no man's land.

I went through a few very difficult years, feeling like nothing and getting nowhere, but then I discovered Rabbeinu (or rather he discovered me, at least this was how it felt). Life became meaningful like never before, but it was still very hard for me to find common ground with other people, even with other Breslovers. Still, I firmly believed that, when the time was right, Rabbeinu would help me with this, too.

To be continued...


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